大家好，我是SK2 TOEFL 的Chris。
同學寫作時，會有個迷思，認為「越長的句子，越可以加分，因為考官會認為你有寫長難句的能力。」這樣的想法，會導致你把句子寫得非常複雜，重點會非常發散，亦不符合托福寫作高分原則，因此這篇文章，旨在分享「長句現象與缺點」及「長短句的應用」。
以下，會圍繞在同學的一段作文，主要闡述：「施以嚴厲處罰，可以預防學生作弊」的論點
Top sentence: In order to stop cheating, teachers should limit students' use of time, and imposing penalty such as decreasing their leisure time can let them be less willing to duplicate answers assignment from others directly.
Example:Take me as an example. When I was an elementary school student who was a sports lover as well as a lazy person who liked to copy answers to math question from other's student, in order to stop my bad behavior, my teacher requested me to stay in the classroom after school and do my math homework under her supervisions as a punishment. In this way, when I finished all these questions and got home at 9 pm, I found that I had no time to play basketball and could not watch NBA competitions at 7 pm. As a result, because of this punishment which let me stop taking others' answers, I would study math and finish my homework earlier at school so that I do not have to be supervised by my teacher and also enjoy watching my favorite basketball game at home in time.
大家簡單看完例子發展，會了解同學的論點是說明：「因抄同學的作業，被老師罰留校寫作業，導致被剝奪放學時間，無法做自己喜歡做的事情。」
仔細檢查，也沒有過多文法錯誤；然而，大家會發現，讀同學句子時，有種「沒辦法喘氣」的感覺，也就是，「雖然句意可以懂，卻沒辦法一氣呵成地閱讀，並且梳理出每個句子的重要性。」那是因為同學的句子中，有以下「句子過長」的現象：
1. 太多 and, who, to, in, so that, who, 在同個句子理
我把同學句構分析出來，會變成：
Take me as an example. When I was N who V.O. who V.O. to V.O. , in order to V.O. , my teacher V.O. in N and V.O. under N. (只有算一句話)
In this way, when I V.O. and V.O. , I found that V.O. and could not V.O.
As a result, because of N which V.O. , I would V.O. and V.O. at N so that I do not V.O. by N and enjoy V-ing in N.
幾乎每個句子，都有超過兩個連結詞和修飾語。這樣的狀況，就會導致「句子的重點被分散，有點流水帳的感覺」，以第一句話為例，看過去，你會不知道第一句話要表達的是「你是怎樣的人」、「防止你作弊的方法」，亦或表達「怎樣的處罰」。
2. 主詞太長：
I was N who V.O. who V.O. to V.O.
這句話也是因為who修飾語過多，導致定義不明確。一下正面 (love sports)，一下負面的訊息(Lazy)，會混淆讀者你想表達的重點。
3. 修飾語使用意義不明確：
because of this punishment which let me stop taking others' answers：因為這個「讓我不再抄别人的答案的」處罰，這裡的修飾語顯得很冗贅，修飾的目的若只是要重述「我已經不再抄答案了」，那為何不放在「例子結局」中表達，不是更簡單俐落嗎？
因此，Chris 把同學的答案，改寫後，讓大家感受看看：
Take me as an example. When I was an elementary school student, I tended to copy my friends' math homework. My teacher discovered my bad behavior and asked me to stay in the empty classroom after school, doing my math homework alone. After the three hours of torture, I finally finished all these math questions at 9 pm. This punishment, with my teacher's eyes darting at me, was horrible to me as a sports lover because I had no time to play basketball. Worst of all, I even failed to watch an NBA competition at 7 pm, in which my favorite player, Lebron James, was taking part. As a result, thanks to this punishment, I decided to drill on my math homework on my own and finish it much earlier at school, allowing me to enjoy the basketball game at home in time.
這裡的改寫，有幾個特色與技巧分享給大家
1.有短句有長句：
大家可以觀察看看，放入了「斷句與標點」改變後，是不是節奏感變好，更利於閱讀了？
短句子定義：SVO、介係詞短語
長句子定義：SVO 連結詞 SVO (加上一點簡單修飾語)
2 .重要的資訊用因果關係講清楚，不重要的資訊才放修飾語
重要的訊息：因為自己在乎運動時間，所以被剝奪很可怕。This punishment was horrible to me as a sports lover "because" I had no time to play basketball
同學原文中，是把love sports 放在修飾語不重要的位置，考官讀到的時候已經忘記了。
不重要的訊息：I even failed to watch an NBA competition at 7 pm, (in which my favorite player, Lebron James, was taking part.)只是增添「與主題句無關」細節，放入逗號逗號補充說明，考官可以不需要知道。
3. 重要的地方加入具體畫面
Punishment 在題目裡面是重要的訊息，同學的原文只用了supervision 有點可惜，我會加入「老師的雙眼一直像飛鏢盯著我，真是三小時的折磨。」→ 對我的處罰。This punishment, with my teacher's eyes darting at me, was horrible to me
no time & sports lover 是主題句的定義，具體展開放入 I had no time to play basketball; I even failed to watch an NBA competition at 7 pm.
這樣分析後，大家感受如何呢？事實上，同學會發現，我寫作的方式並沒有用艱深且複雜的句型，是因為我有考量到「讀者閱讀時的感受」，亦即讓句子有短有長；短句子讀起來鏗鏘有力，簡潔明瞭，重點明確，句子學會簡化之後，可以搭配長句與短句，增添句子的節奏感。
所以下次寫托福作文時，記得用長短句控制節奏，別忘了，要聽聽文字的心跳，聽聽文字的呼吸。仔細聽，每個字都能像是吸氣，吐氣一樣，每個句子也都有它的速度，大家可以把手上的作文做點微調重整，節奏對了，會發現文字自己會唱歌也會跳舞！
SK2 Chris 
